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Toasting The Afterlife


Courtesy of Louisiana Office of Tourism. The founder of New Orleans, Jean Baptiste Le Moyne de Bienville, presiding over his fellow ghosts. "Spare some change for a homeless vampire?" asked the Goth youth on the curb. Immediately I could see what I was dealing with – he was dressed in black, his skin was so white he probably hadn't seen the sun in years. Even his hair was dyed black, and he was covered with heavy gothic jewelry; he gave me a sneer.

I ignored him – I wasn't worried. I had a silver cross in my pocket for protection in situations like this. But I wouldn't need it for him; he was just a punk. He was faking it.

This isn't unusual in New Orleans. The town is full of faux vampires, snake charmers, and punks riding around on girls' bikes. For a long time there used to be a woman named Ruthie with a pet duck on a leash. Ruthie disappeared some time ago, but she was a guidebook favorite. I think guidebook writers thought of her as the essence of the French Quarter. They had no idea what they were talking about. Either they didn't see the truth or they were afraid to say it. But here it is: New Orleans is actually the afterlife. Ghosts walk the streets; the entire place is stuck in amber. It is not of this world. It is not the bright white lights and puffy cloud kind of afterlife dished up in the movie Heaven Can Wait, but more like the dark comical afterlife of Beetlejuice.

 

This explains the proliferation of mullet haircuts, you know those strange haircuts from the seventies that were long and ratty in the back and short in the front? This explains the old clothes, the capes and the top hats, and the surprising number of feather boas. This explains the obsession with jazz music and the passion for fried food and everything vegetable-like being drenched in butter. This explains the odd way birds float in the air, hovering, not even flapping their wings.

The sweet decay, the busted-up sidewalks, the romantic peeling paint – all of that is part of the deal, part of visiting the afterlife. When you visit New Orleans you walk with the dead.

The author and Brian and Kari Schilling-George downing Hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's Pub.It's the afterlife with a high tourist rotation. People visit, they party, they have Hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's, they eat some gumbo, have a beignet at Café Du Monde, and then they go home. Maybe they buy a tacky T-shirt on Bourbon Street.

They take tours on horse-pulled carriages. They tour the cemeteries – where the dead are actually stored in vaults above ground. They say it's the water table; that is why they bury their dead above ground. Actually, it's just because the earth won't accept the dead in New Orleans. During floods the coffins eject themselves from the earth…hence, they lock them in vaults.

Maybe the tourists don't want to know about that. They leave, not wanting to get too deep. And that's the sad thing right there – tourists come to the party town, toss some beads from their balconies and actually feel they understand New Orleans. The real thing is not like that - the beads, the T-shirts, the Hurricanes. That stuff is all a stage show for the itinerant masses.

But we're not like them – not me and my posse. We discovered the truth some time ago, when bar hopping.

That night, deep in the quarter, we noticed whatever deceased band or long-dead singer we talked about would magically, suddenly, play on the jukebox within minutes. If you are there, try it: talk about Elvis or Patsy Cline and see how long it is before you hear that band.

There is beauty here – New Orleans should be a comfort to us all. If this is the afterlife, it ain't all bad.

Copyright Richard Nowitz. Courtesy of New Orleans Metropolitan CVB. From afar, New Orleans appears as does any other city, but up close, it's an entirely different story.

My last night there I was drinking with the dead, at a so-so bar. When I turned I saw this amazing bartender; she was pale, long blonde hair. Turn of the century garb; she was wearing a threadbare corset. She looked dead. I nodded to my friend Chris and when I turned back I couldn't find her. She had disappeared. But he had seen her earlier and had felt the energy of the dead. He knew the deal.

Maybe she died from the bubonic plague or something. Maybe yellow fever. But doesn't the bubonic plague leave you with bumps?

Who knows?

Later we saw her flow through the quarter with a cigarette. It was not possible. Ah, but it was.

Because it was New Orleans.

Required Reading:

 

A Confederacy of Dunces, by John Kennedy Toole. Mr. Toole committed suicide after difficulty getting this book published. It later won a Pulitzer Prize.

Bars, drinking:

Copyright Richard Nowitz. Courtesy of New Orleans Metropolitan CVB.Avoid Bourbon Street unless you like the frat boy scene. If you do like the frat boy thing with nudity brought on by chanting, then you're set – stay on Bourbon and have a wonderful life.

Generally the night scene doesn't begin until real late in New Orleans – like after eleven o’clock.

On the river side of the Quarter, close to the Faubourg Marigny neighborhood, is a good area for freaks. In particular:

 

The Abbey: 1123 Decatur Street

The owner, originally from London apparently, has some sort of religious fetish…or at least it feels that way. A lot of freak traffic parades by just outside the front door. It's a good place to get close to the freaks without being tightly packed.

The Dragon's Den: 435 Esplanade

Above a good Thai restaurant (Siam Café), this place feels like an opium den. Plus you have the added weirdness of heading to the bar through Siam Café's kitchen. Awesome place.

In the Quarter proper:

The Napoleon House: St. Charles at St. Louis

Good for a quiet drink – this place is rundown in a nice way. They play classical music and have zillions of crooked pictures of Napoleon on the walls. Apparently this building was purchased as a safe house for Napoleon (the little French dude) after an intended rescue attempt. Napoleon never made it. Although, I am sure, many at the bar are still waiting for him.

Courtesy of Pat O'Brien's Pub, New Orleans. The infamous flaming fountain. Pat O'Brien's:
718 St. Peters Street

www.patobriens.com.

Pat O'Brien's is touristy, pushes souvenirs, and all the help are dressed like shamrocks, but it still has the coolest courtyard with a burning fountain. This place is serious – it has the largest volume of cocktail sales in the world. If you finish a hurricane, you will feel much better about everything. After two, you will understand the meaning of life. I've never made it past three. During Mardi Gras and Jazz Fest, Pat O'Brien's turns off the flaming fountain because people dive into it. No joke.

Outside of the Quarter, in the Warehouse District:

The Warehouse district is New Orleans SOHO. Loft condos and cool restaurants and bars. Personal drinking favorites:

Polynesian Joe's: 859 Magazine Street

Bring your friends and play volleyball on their outdoor court. This place can be eerily empty; if you don't have a bunch of friends, this may not be the place for you. Apparently league night is on Monday – that might be worth checking out. When this place is happening, it's great. When it's quiet, tumbleweeds blow through.

Lucy's Retired Surfer's Bar: 701 Tschoupitoulas Street

I love Lucy's. I love the whole tropical, Jimmy-Buffet thing they got going on. It can be packed late at night.

Past the Warehouse district (assuming you are coming from the Quarter) is the Uptown\Garden District. This neighborhood is fun – people live here and it has a nice energy. However, if you don't have a car, it can be difficult to deal with. Although there are a plethora of cabs in the Quarter, forget about it out here. Don't walk around a lot in this neighborhood at night.

The Red Room: 2040 St. Charles

This place is cool – strange building, red carpet, and awesome décor. It's very classy. When I was there it was more of a formal supper club or something. Call to make sure they are open and for how long. Oddly enough for New Orleans, this place can close early.

Audubon Hotel and Bar: 1225 St. Charles Street

This place is insane – a 24-hour bar at the bottom of a flea bag hotel, this is where the punks and the freaks come to dance. Best only late at night. Not for the weak.

Helpful sites:

www.offbeat.com. Offbeat is a free magazine with club listings – pick one up when you arrive.

www.neworleanscvb.com. Straight up New Orleans Metropolitan Convention and Tourist Bureau. Lots of handy accommodation tips, weather information, and fresh info on alligators. You can also call the Louisiana Office of Tourism at 225-342-8100.

www.alanet.com. One person's database on New Orleans. Good hotel information.

www.gumbopages.com. Good site – lots of handy bar reviews.

The Author: Clinton Mainland is a freelance writer in New York City. You can reach him at clintonmainland@mindspring.com.

Required Reading:

A Confederacy of Dunces, by John Kennedy Toole. Mr. Toole committed suicide after difficulty getting this book published. It later won a Pulitzer Prize.

Bars, drinking:

Copyright Richard Nowitz. Courtesy of New Orleans Metropolitan CVB.Avoid Bourbon Street unless you like the frat boy scene. If you do like the frat boy thing with nudity brought on by chanting, then you're set – stay on Bourbon and have a wonderful life.

Generally the night scene doesn't begin until real late in New Orleans – like after eleven o’clock.

On the river side of the Quarter, close to the Faubourg Marigny neighborhood, is a good area for freaks. In particular:

The Abbey: 1123 Decatur Street

The owner, originally from London apparently, has some sort of religious fetish…or at least it feels that way. A lot of freak traffic parades by just outside the front door. It's a good place to get close to the freaks without being tightly packed.

The Dragon's Den: 435 Esplanade

Above a good Thai restaurant (Siam Café), this place feels like an opium den. Plus you have the added weirdness of heading to the bar through Siam Café's kitchen. Awesome place.

In the Quarter proper:

The Napoleon House: St. Charles at St. Louis

Good for a quiet drink – this place is rundown in a nice way. They play classical music and have zillions of crooked pictures of Napoleon on the walls. Apparently this building was purchased as a safe house for Napoleon (the little French dude) after an intended rescue attempt. Napoleon never made it. Although, I am sure, many at the bar are still waiting for him.

Courtesy of Pat O'Brien's Pub, New Orleans. The infamous flaming fountain. Pat O'Brien's:
718 St. Peters Street

www.patobriens.com.

Pat O'Brien's is touristy, pushes souvenirs, and all the help are dressed like shamrocks, but it still has the coolest courtyard with a burning fountain. This place is serious – it has the largest volume of cocktail sales in the world. If you finish a hurricane, you will feel much better about everything. After two, you will understand the meaning of life. I've never made it past three. During Mardi Gras and Jazz Fest, Pat O'Brien's turns off the flaming fountain because people dive into it. No joke.

Outside of the Quarter, in the Warehouse District:

The Warehouse district is New Orleans SOHO. Loft condos and cool restaurants and bars. Personal drinking favorites:

Polynesian Joe's: 859 Magazine Street

Bring your friends and play volleyball on their outdoor court. This place can be eerily empty; if you don't have a bunch of friends, this may not be the place for you. Apparently league night is on Monday – that might be worth checking out. When this place is happening, it's great. When it's quiet, tumbleweeds blow through.

Lucy's Retired Surfer's Bar: 701 Tschoupitoulas Street

I love Lucy's. I love the whole tropical, Jimmy-Buffet thing they got going on. It can be packed late at night.

Past the Warehouse district (assuming you are coming from the Quarter) is the Uptown\Garden District. This neighborhood is fun – people live here and it has a nice energy. However, if you don't have a car, it can be difficult to deal with. Although there are a plethora of cabs in the Quarter, forget about it out here. Don't walk around a lot in this neighborhood at night.

The Red Room: 2040 St. Charles

This place is cool – strange building, red carpet, and awesome décor. It's very classy. When I was there it was more of a formal supper club or something. Call to make sure they are open and for how long. Oddly enough for New Orleans, this place can close early.

Audubon Hotel and Bar: 1225 St. Charles Street

This place is insane – a 24-hour bar at the bottom of a flea bag hotel, this is where the punks and the freaks come to dance. Best only late at night. Not for the weak.

Helpful sites:

www.offbeat.com. Offbeat is a free magazine with club listings – pick one up when you arrive.

www.neworleanscvb.com. Straight up New Orleans Metropolitan Convention and Tourist Bureau. Lots of handy accommodation tips, weather information, and fresh info on alligators. You can also call the Louisiana Office of Tourism at 225-342-8100.

www.alanet.com. One person's database on New Orleans. Good hotel information.

www.gumbopages.com. Good site – lots of handy bar reviews.

The Author: Clinton Mainland is a freelance writer in New York City. You can reach him at clintonmainland@mindspring.com.